Okay.....This is the history.....how it all began.
I was born 2 months early, and weighed 3lbs 6oz. Back in 1982 that meant that I had a 50/50 chance of living. That also meant that back in 1982 they didn't know crap about bonding.....trauma....or anything thing that could cause REACTIVE ATTACHMENT DISORDER, that didn't even exist back then. So I was kept in my little incubator, poked and prodded with needles all the time, and although my parents so desperately wanted to touch me, and calm my inaudible screams, they were not allowed to take me out or hold me skin to skin. Another thing that should be mentioned is that, not only did I not get the opportunity to bond with my mother. She was also an extremely traumatizing event happen just 3 weeks before finding out that she was pregnant with me. So I believe I was going through post traumatic stress disorder with her in utero. Even though she was doing everything she could possibly do to be healthy and do everything good for me, and loved me in her womb, she was having nightmares and going through what anyone would in that situation.
My mom pumped & pumped milk and MADE them feed it to me, they didn't want to. And after a month I was able to be home. My parents were hoping to have our family close, and finally at home. Problem was, I HATED to be held, I would scream everytime they would try to hold and soothe me. I only slept once they left me alone in my crib. I never looked them in the eyes. We never experienced that special intimacy of baby and parents, especially that of a mother and her baby girl. I never smiled at them, I smiled at other things. There were other things didn't seem right either but when my mom would mention it to the pediatrician, they didn't pay any attention.
And from then till my teen years, I was over talkative, controlling, to a point no one would suspect such a young child could be. I didn't trust ANYTHING my parents did for me, especially my mom. I actually said, when I was 8 and surprised with a trip to Disney for the first time, "This is the worst birthday I could ever have!". I being 28 and having a 3 year old now, think that is the weirdest thing ever. Even weirder is that I don't remember. I suppose its because its all I know. Some of the other traits I had that gave me away, was being very socially awkward and annoying to be around. I preferred to be on my own rather than having friends because I liked to do things my own way. I also wanted to make my mom miserable in any way that I could. This was all subconscious though. I also apparently lied all the time, now I think now and thought that, that was wrong but somehow I convinced myself the lie was true and that I wasn't lying.
Then the teen years hit with a vengeance. I'll have to look up what my attachment style is but it was more covert than overt, so I wasn't aggressive, I didn't act up in school. In fact I never even had a detention and being raised in a Christian home and being a Christian I tried to do the "right" things. But, man, did I try to make my mom's life a living hell. I felt like thats what she was doing to me, and I was so mentally bored, the only thing that was interesting to me was figuring out how to manipulate my mom into not doing something she wanted to. Or making something she wanted to have fun doing, miserable for her. If she had an expectation, I would make sure to smash it. But it was all subconscious, there was just so much anger, raging inside. I was also extremely depressed and disengaged in high school. I dressed like a boy, thinking that I would get boyfriend that way and tried to defy every social norm, to make my own rules. I never went to dances or prom, didn't go to my Graduation, which broke my mothers heart. I graduated with a scholarship and did really well in school, but I didn't have any close friends, I kept everyone at a distance. Its like I was just there, but I wasn't.
Anyway my parents figured out the "name" for why I was such a disappointment to everything they hoped for me, when I was 21, and just about to get married (which in true RAD fashion, I pissed everyone off and eloped, we have anyone at the ceremony) They said I had "Reactive Attachment Disorder" and I thought they were stupid and ridiculous until I was 25 and pregnant. And too many things made sense. I had such extreme anxiety, and depression, was so awkward around people, and had always had a difficult time at work. Something was just weird with me. And my husband and I had terrible problems due in part to my problems and in part to him being very similar in having some strange disfunctions and lack of emotional connections with anyone himself. So what united us, us against the world, really started to tear us apart when we couldn't party together to cover all our problems from ourselves and eachother anymore.
So much more to say, but as I go through therapy, and find my way to healing and wholeness, so that I can be the best mommy I can be, and hopefully a better wife, this story will unravel as my posts come in.
I just want to share my journey. I know there are a lot of blogs about parents with children who have this childhood disorder. I don't see many Blogs that post hope to those of us adults with Adult Attachment Issues. And as an adult bonded with my daughter, I would be happy to answer any questions parents have about their RAD kids. I did not have a violent or abusive past and was not violent or abusive physically but I was emotional abusive and verbal abusive, but I drove my family to ruins (parents and brother), that is still a huge problem. I would love to help any family not have to go through what we did because we didn't know. And I still don't feel my parents understand what the driving force was. Now I can see both sides of the fence, the pain, hurt and anger due to the rejection of your parental love, and also the fear and anger that makes a RAD feel like control is a matter of life or death. Trust me, no matter how your child acts out, there is a very scared little heart in there, it might not work right, but as Nancy Thomas said in a conference I went to, to hear her speak, once rehabilitated her RAD kids, she felt had a bigger capacity for love than the average person. I hope that I will find that in my life :)
